I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law and headed over the embankment.

Coming home I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have.

The other car collided with mine without giving warning of it's intention.

I thought my window was down, but I found it was up when I put my head through it.

I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way.

A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face.

The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.

In a attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole.

I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection, a hedge sprang up, obscuring my vision and I did not see the other car.

I had been driving for forty years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident.

I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident.

As I approached an intersection a sign suddenly appeared in a place where there had been no stop sign had ever appeared before. I was to stop in time to avoid the accident.

To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front I struck a pedestrian.

My car was legally parked as it backed into another vehicle.

An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished.

I told the police that I was not injured, but on removing my hat found that I had a fractured skull.

I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road when I struck him.

The pedestrian had no idea which way to run so I ran over him.

I saw a slow moving, sad faced old gentleman as he bounced of the roof of my car.

The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth.

I was thrown from my car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray cows.

Samuel Goldwyn Quoteables
Samuel Goldwyn, the movie producer who founded Goldwyn Productions and Metro-Goldwyn-Meyer was known for his misuse of the English language. Some examples include:

"An oral contract isn't worth the paper it's written on."

"Any man who goes to a psychiatrist ought to have his head examined."

"In two words, impossible."

"Include me out"

When Goldwyn's secretary asked him if she should destroy files that were more than ten years old, he answered, "Yes, but keep copies."

When told he couldn't film Radclyffe Hall's "The Well of Loneliness" because it dealt with lesbians, he replies, "All right, where they got lesbians, we'll use Austrians."

"I'm willing to admit that I may not always be right, but I am never wrong."

"Tell them (the actors) to stand closer apart."

"If I were in this business only for the business, I wouldn't be in this business."

"You fail to overlook the crucial point."

"For your information, just answer me one question!"

"Its absolutely impossible, but it has possibilities."

"Put it out of your mind. In no time, it will be a forgotten memory."

"Go see that turkey for yourself, and see for yourself why you shouldn't see it."

"Can she sing? She's practically a Florence Nightingale."

"Give me a couple of years and I'll make that actress an overnight success."

"True, I've been a long time making up my mind, but now I'm giving you a definite answer. I won't say yes and I won't say no--but I'm giving you a definite maybe."

Excuses
These are actual excuses that parents sent to school to excuse their children from being absent at school (the names have been changed)...

Dear School: Pleas ackuse John for been absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 32, & 33.

John has been absent from school because he has two teeth taken out of his face.

Please excuse Gloria. She has been sick and under the doctor.

My son is under the doctor's care and should not take PE Please execute him.

John was absent from school yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part.

My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent the weekend with the marines.

Please excuse Johnny for being. It was his father's fault.

Please excuse Mary from being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.

Dan Quayle Quoteables

"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure."

"Republicans understand the importance of bondage between a mother and child."

"What a waste it is to lose one's mind. Or not to have a mind is being very wasteful. How true that is." --at a fundraising event for the United Negro College Fund. He was attempting to quote the line "a mind is a terrible thing to waste"

"I believe we are on an irreversible trend toward more freedom and democracy - but that could change." 5/22/89

"One word sums up probably the responsibility of any vice-president, and that one word is 'to be prepared'." 12/6/89

"May our nation continue to be the beakon of hope to the world." -- The Quayles' 1989 Christmas card. (Not as beacon of literacy, though.)

"We have a firm commitment to NATO, we are a "part" of NATO. We have a firm commitment to Europe. We are a "part" of Europe."

"We are ready for any unforeseen event that may or may not occur." 9/22/90

"The loss of life will be irreplaceable."

"When more and more people are thrown out of work, unemployment results." -Former U.S. President Calvin Coolidge

"It's like deja vu all over again." -Yogi Berra

"China is a big country, inhabited by many Chinese" -Former French President Charles De Gaulle