"I demand a salary commiserate with my extensive experience."

"I have lurnt Word Perfect 6.0 computor and spreadsheet progroms."

"Am a perfectionist and rarely if if ever forget details."

"Received a plague for Salesperson of the Year."

"Reason for leaving last job: maturity leave."

"Wholly responsible for two (2) failed financial institutions."

"Failed bar exam with relatively high grades."

"It's best for employers that I not work with people."

"Let's meet, so you can 'ooh' and 'aah' over my experience."

"You will want me to be Head Honcho in no time."

"I was working for my mom until she decided to move."

"Marital status: single. Unmarried. Unengaged. Uninvolved. No commitments."

"I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse."

"I am loyal to my employer at all costs. Please feel free to respond to my resume on my office voice mail."

"I have become completely paranoid, trusting completely no one and absolutely nothing."

"My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I possess no training in meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage."

"I procrastinate, especially when the task is unpleasant."

"Personal interests: donating blood. Fourteen gallons so far."

"Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain store."

"Note: Please don't misconstrue my 14 jobs as 'job-hopping'. I have never quit a job."

"Marital status: often. Children: various."

"Reason for leaving my last job: They insisted employees get to work by 8:45 a.m. every morning. I couldn't work under those conditions."

"The company made me a scapegoat, just like my three previous employers."

"Finished eighth in my class of ten."

"References: none. I've left a path of destruction behind me."

Worst Things to See on our Performance Evaluation
(Real excerpts from performance evaluations)

"Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap."

"Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig."

"When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to change whichever foot was previously in there."

"He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle."

"This young lady has delusions of adequacy."

"He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them."

"This employee should go far - and the sooner he starts, the better."

"This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."

"His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity."

"I would not allow this employee to breed."

"This associate is not so much as a has-been, but more of a definitely won't be."

TEN BEST THINGS TO SAY IF CAUGHT SLEEPING AT YOUR DESK...

10. "They told me at the blood bank this might happen."

9. "This is just a 15 minute power-nap as described in that time management course you sent me."

8. "Whew! Guess I left the top off the White-Out You probably got here just in time!"

7. "I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm."

6. "I was testing my keyboard for drool resistance."

5. "I was doing Yoga exercises to relieve work-related stress."

4. "Damn! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem."

3. "The coffee machine is broken..."

2. "Someone must've put decaf in the wrong pot..."

1. " ... in Jesus' name. Amen."

A young businessman had just started his own firm. He'd rented beautiful office and had it furnished with antiques. Sitting there, he saw a man come into the outer office. Wishing to appear the hot shot, the businessman picked up the phone and started to pretend he had a big deal working. He threw huge figures around and made giant commitments. Finally he hung up and asked the visitor, "Can I help you?" The man said, "Yeah, I've come to activate your phone lines."

Most Unusual Things Done in an Interview

A job applicant challenged the interviewer to arm wrestle.

Interviewee wore a Walkman, explaining that she could listen to the interviewer and the music at the same time.

Stretched out on the floor to fill out the job application.

Candidate brought large dog to interview.

Interviewee arrived having forgotten his teeth.

Applicant refused to sit down and insisted on being interviewed standing up.

Balding candidate excused himself and returned to the office a few minutes later wearing a hair piece.

Applicant said if he were hired, he would demonstrate his loyalty by having the corporate logo tattooed on his forearm.

Candidate dozed off during interview.

Applicant interrupted interview to phone her therapist for advice on how to answer specific interview questions.

Candidate explained that her long-term goal was to replace the interviewer.

Candidate said he never finished high school because he was kidnapped and kept in a closet in Mexico.

Asked to see interviewer's resume to see if the personnel executive was qualified to judge the candidate.

Announced she hadn't had lunch and proceeded to eat a hamburger and French fries in the interviewer's office - wiping the ketchup on her sleeve

Interrupted to phone his therapist for advice on answering specific interview questions.

When I asked him about his hobbies, he stood up and started tap dancing around my office.

At the end of the interview, while I stood there dumbstruck, went through my purse, took out a brush, brushed his hair, and left.

Pulled out a Polaroid camera and snapped a flash picture of me. Said he collected photos of everyone who interviewed him.

Said he wasn't interested because the position paid too much.

While I was on a long-distance phone call, the applicant took out a copy of Penthouse, and looked through the photos only, stopping longest at the centerfold.

During the interview, an alarm clock went off from the candidate's briefcase. He took it out, shut it off, apologized and said he had to leave for another interview.

A telephone call came in for the job applicant. It was from his wife. His side of the conversation went like this: "Which company? When do I start? What's the salary?" I said, "I assume you're not interested in conducting the interview any further." He promptly responded, "I am as long as you'll pay me more. "I didn't hire him, but later found out there was no other job offer. It was a scam to get a higher offer."

His attaché [case] opened when he picked it up and the contents spilled, revealing ladies' undergarments and assorted makeup and perfume.

Candidate said he really didn't want to get a job, but the unemployment office needed proof that he was looking for one.

Asked who the lovely babe was, pointing to the picture on my desk. When I said it was my wife, he asked if she was home now and wanted my phone number. I called security.

Pointing to a black case he carried into my office, he said that if he was not hired, the bomb would go off. Disbelieving, I began to state why he would never be hired and that I was going to call the police. He then reached down to the case, flipped a switch and ran. No one was injured, but I did need to get a new desk.

Weirdest Statements Made by prospective employees during an interview

"Once a week, I usually feel hot all over."

"People are always watching me."

"My legs are really hairy."

"I think I'm going to throw up."

"I feel uneasy indoors."

"Sometimes I feel like smashing things."

"I get excited very easily."

"At times I have the strong urge to do something harmful or shocking."

"I am fascinated by fire."

Top 10 Ways to Freak out Your Co-Workers

10. Bring some dry ice & make it look like your computer is smoking.

9. Come to the lab wearing several layers of socks. Remove shoes and place them of top of the monitor. Remove socks layer by layer and drape them around the monitor. Exclaim sudden haiku about the aesthetic beauty of cotton on plastic.

8. Take the keyboard and sit under the computer. Type up your paper like this. Then go to the lab supervisor and complain about the bad working conditions.

7. Bring in a bunch of magnets and have fun.

6. Point at the screen. Chant in a made-up language while making elaborate hand gestures for a minute or two. Press return or the mouse, then leap back and yell "COVEEEEERRRRRR!" peek up from under the table, walk back to the computer and say. "Oh, good. It worked this time," and calmly start to type again.

5. Keep looking at invisible bugs and trying to swat them.

4. Sneak up behind some engrossed in their work screaming, "DISK FIGHT!!!" and bop them on the head with a disk.

3. Type frantically, often stopping to look at the person next to you evilly.

2. Get a pair of 3-d glasses. Wobble around while walking and keep yelling, "Whoa, that looked so real!"

1. Laugh uncontrollably for about 3 minutes & then suddenly stop and look suspiciously at everyone who looks at you.

Brilliant Managers
A magazine ran a Dilbert quotes contest. These are actual quotes from managers in the business world:

"As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday and employees will receive their cards in two weeks." (This was the winning quote from Charles Hurst at Sun Microsystems)

"What I need is a list of specific unknown problems we will encounter."

"How long is this Beta guy going to keep testing our stuff?"

"E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be used only for company business."

"Turnover is good for the company, as it proves that we are doing a good job in training people."

"This project is so important, we can't let things that are more important interfere with it."

"Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule. "

"No one will believe you solved this problem in one day! We've been working on it for months. Now, go act busy for a few weeks and I'll let you know when it's time to tell them."