10. Cats' facial expressions

9. The need for the same style of shoes in different colors

8. Why bean sprouts aren't just weeds

7. Fat clothes

6. Taking a car trip without trying to beat your best time

5. The difference between beige, off-white, and eggshell

4. Cutting your bangs to make them grow

3. Eyelash curlers

2. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made

1. Other women

An interesting thought...

An English professor wrote the words, "a woman without her man is nothing" on the blackboard and directed the students to punctuate correctly.

The men wrote: "A woman, without her man, is nothing".
The women wrote: "A woman: without her, man is nothing".

33 Reasons It's Great to be a Guy!

1. You know stuff about cars.
2. A five day vacation requires only one suitcase.
3. Monday Night Football.
4. Your bathroom lines are 80% shorter.
5. You can open all your own jars.
6. Old friends don't give you crap if you've lost or gained weight.
7. Dry cleaners and haircutter's don't rob you blind.
8. A beer gut does not make you invisible to the opposite sex.
9. You don't have to lug a bag of useful stuff around everywhere you go.
10. You understand why Stripes is funny.
11. Your last name stays put.
12. When your work is criticized, you don't have to panic that everyone secretly hates you.
13. You can be showered and ready in 10 minutes.
14. Wedding plans take care of themselves.
15. If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend.
16. None of your co-workers have the power to make you cry.
17. You don't have to shave below your neck.
18. Everything on your face stays its original color.
19. Chocolate is just another snack.
20. Three pair of shoes are more than enough.
21. Nobody stops telling a good dirty joke when you walk into the room.
22. You can whip your shirt off on a hot day.
23. You don't have to clean your apartment if the meter reader is coming by.
24. Car mechanics tell you the truth.
25. You don't give a rat's ass if someone notices your new haircut.
26. You can watch a game in silence with you buddy for hours without even thinking (He must be mad at me)
27. One mood, all the time.
28. You can admire Clint Eastwood without starving yourself to look like him.
29. You never have to drive to another gas station because this one's just too yucky.
30. Gray hair and wrinkles add character.
31. Wedding Dress $2000; Tux rental $100.
32. You can drop by to see a friend without bringing a little gift.
33. There is always a game on somewhere

Equality between the sexes will never occur until a woman can walk around bald with a big gut and still think she's beautiful

32 Things You Will NEVER Hear A Woman Say

1."What do you mean today's our anniversary??"

2."Can we not talk to each other tonight? I'd rather just watch wrestling on TV."

3."Ohh, this diamond is WAY too big!"

4."Can our relationship get a little more physical? I'm tired of being just friends."

5."Honey, does this outfit make my butt look too small?"

6."Aww, don't stop for directions, I'm sure you'll be able to figure out how to get there."

7."I don't care if it's on sale, 300 dollars is way to much for a designer dress!"

8."Hey, pull my finger!"

9."Honey... why don't you take a regular "boys night out" with your friends?"

10."I can't watch "The Sound of Music" tonight... the hockey playoffs are on!"

11."Hey, buddy... Will you help me with the zipper on my dress?"

12."I sure wish that Avon lady would leave me alone."

13."I want to buy this cocktail dress because my best friend has one just like it."

14."Here, let me show you how to fix that plumbing problem."

15."No, I don't feel like going out to eat. I'd rather stay home and cook tonight."

16."I love my hair just the way it is... I'll never change it."

17."Housework is my hobby."

18."I LOVE the smell of a cigar."

19."It will only take me five minutes to get ready for the Christmas party."

20."My favorite way to meet people?... Wear a short dress and high heels, go to the mall at night, and park in a remote, unlit lot."

21."He ALWAYS understands me!"

22."I LOVE washing dishes!"

23."I wouldn't miss the "Miss America Pageant" for ANYTHING!"

24."Childbirth isn't so bad!"

25."I ALWAYS trust my husband."

26."I don't need another pair of shoes."

27."I sure do envy Hillary Clinton."

28."Men really ARE smarter!"

29."On our vacation this year, let's go baby seal hunting."

30."Honey, why don't you take those smelly old socks off and I'll give you a foot massage?"

31."I don't care if he gets me anything for Valentine's Day."

32."Shopping isn't everything!"

If men got pregnant...
(From an article in The New York Times)

Maternity leave would last for two years with full pay.

There would be a cure for stretch marks.

Natural childbirth would be banned from all hospitals.

Morning sickness would rank as the nation's No 1 health problem.

They'd stay in bed for nine months and get their wives to attend them.

Paternity suits would be a line of clothing.

Men would be more eager to talk about commitment.

They wouldn't think twins were quite so cute.

All methods of birth control would be improved to 100% effectiveness.

Fathers would demand that their sons be home from dates by 10 p.m.

They'd stop saying: "I'm afraid I'll drop him."

Seminars For Men
(prepared and presented by women)

You, Too, Can Do Housework

PMS: Learn When to Keep Your Mouth Shut

How To Fill An Ice Tray

We Do Not Want Sleazy Underthings for Christmas: Give us Money

Wonderful Laundry Techniques (formerly titled "Don't Wash my Silks")

Get a Life: Learn to Cook

1001 Reasons To Give Flowers

You Can Fall Asleep Without It If You Really Try

How To Put The Toilet Lid Down (formerly titled "No, It's Not a Bidet")

"The Weekend" And "Sports" Are Not Synonyms

How To Go Shopping With Your Mate And Not Get Lost

The Remote Control: Overcoming Your Dependency

Romanticism: Ideas Other Than Sex

Mothers-in-Law: They Are People, Too

Male Bonding: Leaving Your Friends At Home

The Dishwasher: It's Not A Garbage Disposal

Seeing The True You (formerly titled "No, You Don't Look Like Mel Gibson When Naked")

Seminars For Women
(prepared and presented by men)

Crying And Law Enforcement

You CAN Go Shopping For Less Than 4 Hours

Gaining Five Pounds vs. The End Of The World: A Study In Contrast

The Seven Outfit Week

PMS: It's YOUR Problem, Not Mine

Football: Not A Game, A Sacrament

Telephone Translations: "Me Too" = "I Love You"

Gift-Giving Fundamentals (formerly titled "Fabric Bad, Electronics Good")

Putting The Seat Down By Yourself: Potential Energy Is On Your Side

Beyond "Clean And Dirty": The Nuances Of Wearable Laundry

Joys Of The Remote Control: Reaping The Benefits of 50+ Channels

What Goes Around Comes Around: Why His Credit Card is Not a Toy

His Best Friend Can Be Yours, Too

His Poker Games: Deal Yourself Out

Commitment Schmittment (formerly titled "Wedlock Schmedlock")

To Honor And Obey: Remembering The Small Print Above "I Do"

Your Mate: Selfish Bastard or Victimized Sensitive Man?

What A Guy REALLY Means...

"It's a guy thing."
Really means... "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."

"Can I help with dinner?"
Really means... "Why isn't it already on the table?"

"Uh huh," "Sure, honey," or "Yes, dear."
Really means... Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.

"It would take too long to explain."
Really means... "I have no idea how it works."

"We're going to be late."
Really means... "Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a maniac."

"Take a break, honey, you're working too hard."
Really means... "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."

"That's interesting, dear."
Really means... "Are you still talking?"

It's a really good movie."
Really means... "It's got guns, knives, fast cars, and beautiful women."

"You know how bad my memory is."
Really means.... "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address of the first girl I ever kissed, and the Vehicle Identification Numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday."

"Oh, don't fuss. I just cut myself, it's no big deal."
Really means... "I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit I'm hurt."

"Hey, I've got my reasons for what I'm doing."
Really means... "And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon."

"I can't find it."
Really means... "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."

"What did I do this time?"
Really means... "What did you catch me at?"

"I heard you."
Really means... "I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next three days yelling at me."

"You look terrific."
Really means... "Please don't try on one more outfit. I'm starving."

"I'm not lost. I know exactly where we are."
Really means... "No one will ever see us alive again."