1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.

2. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.

3. Aren't you the guy from the Village People?

4. Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good job!

5. Are You Andy or Barney?

6. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.

7. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?

8. I pay your salary!

9. Gee, Officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too!

10. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.

11. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars around. That's how far ahead of me they are.

12. When the Officer says "Gee Son....Your eyes look red, have you been drinking?" You probably shouldn't respond with, "Gee Officer your eyes look glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?"

Up at the gates to Heaven, St. Peter was standing at the gate and examining the credentials and applications of a long line of people who had recently died.

First in line was a New York cab driver--not very old--who had died in an automobile accident. Behind him was a much older man who had been a minister in his church for 35 years--a very well-regarded man.

St Peter looked over the cab driver's papers searchingly; he seemed to take a long long time, but finally he turned a bright smile on the cabbie and said, "Welcome, my son, we are very glad to have you with us. Here is your silken robe and your golden staff." The minister standing behind, breathed a sigh of relief because he knew that if the not-too-respectable looking man ahead of him made it, he would too.

St Peter looked over the minister's papers searchingly: he seemed to take a long time, but finally he turned a sweet smile on the minister and said, "Welcome, my son, we are very glad to have you with us. Here is your robe of cotton and your staff of oak." The minister said, "Excuse me, St. Peter, but there must be a mistake; that man got a silken robe and a staff of gold, but you only are giving me cotton and wood."

St. Peter looked at him coldly and said, "In this place we judge by results. When you preached your sermons, people dozed in their seats; when this man drove his cab, people prayed."

Worlds Smallest Books

The World Guide to Good American Beer

Royal Family's Guide to Good Marriages

The Complete Guide to Catholic Sex

America's Most Popular Lawyers

Career Opportunities for History Majors

Detroit - A Travel Guide

Everything Men Know about Women

The Amish Phone Book

True Story: Where Has All The Lipstick Gone?

According to a radio report, a middle school in Oregon was faced with a unique problem. A number of girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints. Finally the principal decided that something had to be done.

She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the custodian. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every day. To demonstrate how difficult it was to clean the mirrors, she asked the custodian to clean one of the mirrors. He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it into the toilet and then cleaned the mirror.

Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.

Bumper Stickers

Jesus Is Coming, Everyone Look Busy

If At First You Do Succeed, Try Not To Look Astonished

HELP WANTED: Telepath - You Know Where To Apply

I.R.S.: We've Got What It Takes To Take What You've Got

Out Of My Mind. Back In Five Minutes.

Hang Up And Drive

Laugh Alone And The World Thinks You're An Idiot

Change Is Inevitable, Except From A Vending Machine

When You Do A Good Deed, Get A Receipt In Case Heaven Is Like The IRS

Friends Don't Let Friends Drive Naked

Forget About World Peace...Visualize Using Your Turn Signal!

He Who Laughs Last Thinks Slowest

Lottery: A Tax On People Who Are Bad At Math

I Like You But I Wouldn't Want To See You Working With Sub-Atomic Particles

Actual Fast Food Job Application

This is an actual job application someone submitted at a fast-food establishment........

NAME: Greg Bulmash

DESIRED POSITION: Reclining. Ha ha. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.

DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.

EDUCATION: Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.

SALARY: Less than I'm worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.

PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?: Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearinghouse Sweepstakes.

DO YOU SMOKE?: Only when set on fire.

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy super model who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: No, but I dare you to prove otherwise.

SIGN HERE: Scorpio with Libra rising.

You might be a college student if:

1. You have ever price shopped Top Ramen.
2. If you live in a house with three couches, none of which match.
3. If you consider Mac and Cheese a balanced meal
4. If you have ever written a check for 45 cents
5. If you have a fine collection of domestic beer bottles
6. If you have ever seen two consectutive sunrises without sleeping
7. If your glass set is composed of McDonald's Extra Value Meal Plastic Cups (ie. Olympic Dream Team I or II)
8. If your underwear supply dictates the time between laundry loads
9. If you cannot remember when you last washed your car
10. If you can pack your worldly possessions into the back of a pick-up (one trip)
11. If you have ever had to justify yourself for buying Natural Light
12. If the first thing you do in the morning is roll over and introduce yourself
13. If your bed time is no longer 10:00 PM, but 3:00 AM
14. If you consider Pizza one of the four major food groups
15. If you consider the other three to be beer, McDonalds, and candy
16. When your walls are covered with beer signs
17. If you've ever sent e-mail to the people you live with
18. If you refer to your meal card as "plastic"
19. If you've ever spent a good hour searching for your student I.D. just so you could get that one dollar off at the movies
20. If you've ever stayed up all night just so you wouldn't sleep through your morning class
21. If you've ever called your roommates, not knowing where you were at and asked them to come get you
22. If you've ever called home just to talk to your pets
23. When you work your class schedule around drinking
24. When you watch TV with no volume, while listening to the radio
25. When you can play euchre (dominoes for you aggies) in any state of mind
26. When showering doesn't happen on a daily basis.
27. When a blender is your first major appliance.
28. When you're not a dork if you wear your backpack on both shoulders
29. If you can't find money to buy food but it miracously appears to buy alcohol
30. When weather begins to be a major factor on your class attendance
31. When you would rather do e-mail than study for a test
32. When your second major applicance is a coffee maker
33. When you have a separate refrigerator for beer.