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The following are actual essay answers from school history quizzes;
Even the spelling has been left as was (these are hilarious!)
1. Ancient Egypt was inhabited by mummies and they all wrote in
hydraulics. They lived in the Sarah Dessert and travelled by Camelot.
The climate of the Sarah is such that the inhabitants have to live
elsewhere.
2. The Bible is full of interesting caricatures. In the first book of
the Bible, Guinessis, Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. One
of their children, Cain, asked, "Am I my brother's son?"
3. Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea, where they made
unleavened bread which is bread made without any ingredients. Moses went
up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments. He died before he ever
reached Canada.
4. Solomon had three hundred wives and seven hundred porcupines.
5. The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and without them we
wouldn't have history. The Greeks also had myths. A myth is a female
moth.
6. Actually, Homer was not written by Homer but by another man of that
name.
7. Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people
advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock.
After his death, his career suffered a dramatic decline.
8. In the Olympic games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled the biscuits,
and threw the Java.
9. Eventually, the Romans conquered the Greeks. History calls people
Romans because they never stayed in one place for very long.
10. Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The
Ides of March murdered him because they thought he was going to be made
king. Dying, he gasped out: "Tee hee, Brutus."
11. Nero was a cruel tyranny who would torture his subjects by playing
the fiddle to them.
12. Joan of Arc was burnt to a steak and was canonised by Bernard Shaw.
Finally Magna Carta provided that no man should be hanged twice for the
same offence.
13. In midevil times most people were alliterate. The greatest writer of
the futile ages was Chaucer, who wrote many poems and verses and also
wrote literature.
14. Another story was William Tell, who shot an arrow through an apple
while standing on his son's head.
15. Queen Elizabeth was the "Virgin Queen." As a queen she was a
success. When she exposed herself before her troops they all shouted
"hurrah."
16. It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg
invented removable type and the Bible. Another important invention was
the circulation of blood. Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure
because he invented cigarettes and started smoking. And Sir Francis
Drake circumcised the world with a 100 foot clipper.
17. The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespeare. He
was born in the year 1564, supposedly on his birthday. He never made
much money and is famous only because of his plays. He wrote tragedies,
comedies, and hysterectomies, all in Islamic pentameter. Romeo and
Juliet are an example of a heroic couplet. Romeo's last wish was to be
laid by Juliet.
18. Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes. He
wrote Donkey Hote. The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote
Paradise Lost. Then his wife died and he wrote Paradise Regained.
19. During the Renaissance America began. Christopher Columbus was a
great navigator who discovered America while cursing about the Atlantic.
His ships were called the Nina, the Pinta, and the Santa Fe.
20. Later, the Pilgrims crossed the ocean, and this was called Pilgrim's
Progress. The winter of 1620 was a hard one for the settlers. Many
people died and many babies were born. Captain John Smith was
responsible for all this.
21. One of the causes of the Revolutionary War was the English put tacks
in their tea. Also, the colonists would send their parcels through the
post without stamps. Finally the colonists won the War and no longer had
to pay for taxis. Delegates from the original 13 states formed the
Contented Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin
were two singers of the Declaration of Independence. Franklin discovered
electricity by rubbing two cats backwards and declared, "A horse divided
against itself cannot stand.". Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.
22. Soon the Constitution of the United States was adopted to secure
domestic hostility. Under the constitution the people enjoyed the right
to keep bare arms.
23. Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest Precedent. Lincoln's
mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built
with his own hands. Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves by signing the
Emasculation Proclamation. On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went
to the theatre and got shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving
picture show. The believed assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a supposedly
insane actor. This ruined Booth's career.
24. Meanwhile in Europe, the enlightenment was a reasonable time.
Voltaire invented electricity and also wrote a book called Candy.
25. Gravity was invented by Issac Walton. It is chiefly noticeable in
the autumn when the apples are falling off the trees.
26. Johann Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a large
number of children. In between he practised on an old spinster which he
kept up in his attic. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Bach was the
most famous composer in the world and so was Handel. Handel was half
German half Italian and half English. He has very large.
27. Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he
wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone
was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for this.
28. The French Revolution was accomplished before it happened and
catapulted into Napoleon. Napoleon wanted an heir to inherit his power,
but since Josephine was a baroness, she couldn't have any children.
29. The sun never set on the British Empire because the British Empire's
in the East and the sun sets in the West.
30. Queen Victoria was the longest queen. She sat on a thorn for 63
years. She was a moral woman who practised virtue. Her death was the
final event which ended her reign.
31. The nineteenth century was a time of a great many thoughts and
inventions. People stopped reproducing by hand and started reproducing
by machine. The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to
spring up. Cyrus McCormick invented the McCormick raper, which did the
work of a hundred men.
32. Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbis. Charles Darwin was a
naturalist who wrote the Organ of the Species. Madman Curie discovered
radio. And Karl Marx became one of the Marx brothers.
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Analogies
Winners of the "worst analogies ever written in a high school essay" contest.
He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.(Joseph Romm, Washington)
She caught your eye like one of those pointy hook latches that used to dangle from screen doors and would fly up whenever you banged the door open again. (Rich Murphy, Fairfax Station)
The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't. (Russell Beland, Springfield)
McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty Bag filled with vegetable soup. (Paul Sabourin, Silver Spring)
From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and "Jeopardy" comes on at 7 p.m. instead of 7:30. (Roy Ashley, Washington)
Her hair glistened in the rain like nose hair after a sneeze. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)
Her eyes were like two brown circles with big black dots in the center. (Russell Beland, Springfield)
Bob was as perplexed as a hacker who means to access T:flw.quid55328.com\aaakk/ch@ung but gets T:\flw.quidaaakk/ch@ung by mistake (Ken Krattenmaker, Landover Hills)
Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever. (Unknown)
He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree. (Jack Bross, Chevy Chase)
The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease. (Gary F. Hevel, Silver Spring)
Her date was pleasant enough, but she knew that if her life was a movie this guy would be buried in the credits as something like "Second Tall Man." (Russell Beland, Springfield)
Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.(Jennifer Hart, Arlington)
The politician was gone but unnoticed, like the period after the Dr. on a Dr Pepper can. (Wayne Goode, Madison, Ala.)
They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth (Paul Kocak, Syracuse, N.Y.)
John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met. (Russell Beland, Springfield)
The thunder was ominous-sounding, much like the sound of a thin sheet of metal being shaken backstage during the storm scene in a play. (Barbara Fetherolf, Alexandria)
His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)
The red brick wall was the color of a brick-red Crayola crayon.
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First grade words of wisdom
- collected by a first grade teacher who gave her classes the first part of an old proverb, and had them fill in the rest
As You Shall Make Your Bed So Shall You..Mess It Up.
Better Be Safe Than........ Punch A 5th Grader.
Strike While The........ Bug Is Close.
It's Always Darkest Before........ Daylight Savings Time.
Never Under Estimate The Power Of........ Termites.
You Can Lead A Horse To Water But....... How?
Don't Bite The Hand That......Looks Dirty.
No News Is........ Impossible.
A Miss Is As Good As A........ Mr.
You Can't Teach An Old Dog New........ Math.
If You Lie Down With The Dogs, You'll........Stink In The Morning.
Love All, Trust........ Me
The Pen Is Mightier Than The........ Pigs.
An Idle Mind Is........ The Best Way To Relax.
Where There's Smoke, There's........ Pollution.
Happy The Bride Who........ Gets All The Presents!
A Penny Saved Is........ Not Much.
Two's Company, Three's........ The Musketeers.
Don't Put Off Tomorrow What........ You Put On To Go To Bed.
Laugh And The Whole World Laughs With You, Cry And......You Have To Blow Your Nose.
None Are So Blind As........ Helen Keller.
Children Should Be Seen And Not........ Spanked Or Grounded.
If At First You Don't Succeed........ Get New Batteries.
You Get Out Of Something What You........ See Pictured On The Box.
When The Blind Leadeth The Blind... .....Get Out Of The Way.
There Is No Fool Like... .....Aunt Eddie.
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Love Advice
- by kids 5-10 years old
WHAT IS THE PROPER AGE TO GET MARRIED??
Eighty-four, because at that age, you don't have to work anymore, and you can spend all your time loving each other in your bedroom. - Judy, 8
Once I'm done with kindergarten, I'm going to find me a wife. - Tom, 5
.
WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date. - Mike, 10
.
WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE??
You should never kiss a girl unless you have enough bucks to buy her a big ring and her own VCR, 'cause she'll want to have videos of the wedding. - Jim, 10
Never kiss in front of other people. It's a big embarrassing thing if anybody sees you. But if nobody sees you, I might be willing to try it with a handsome boy, but just for a few hours. Kally, 9
.
IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED??
It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need somebody to clean up after them. Lynette, 9
It gives me a headache to think about that stuff. I'm just a kid. I don't need that kind of trouble. Kenny, 7
.
WHY LOVE HAPPENS BETWEEN TWO PARTICULAR PEOPLE
No one is sure why it happens, but I heard it has something to do with how you smell. That's why perfume and deodorant are so popular. - Jan, 9
I think you're supposed to get shot with an arrow or something, but the rest of it isn't supposed to be so painful. - Harlen, 8
.
ON WHAT FALLING IN LOVE IS LIKE
Like an avalanche where you have to run for your life. - Roger, 9
If falling in love is anything like learning how to spell, I don't want to do it. It takes too long. Leo, 7
.
ON THE ROLE OF GOOD LOOKS IN LOVE
If you want to be loved by somebody who isn't already in your family, it doesn't hurt to be beautiful. - Jeanne, 8
It isn't always just how you look. Look at me. I'm handsome like anything and I haven't got anybody to marry me yet. - Gary, 7
Beauty is skin deep. But how rich you are can last a long time. - Christine, 9
.
CONCERNING WHY LOVERS OFTEN HOLD HANDS
They want to make sure their rings don't fall off because they paid good money for them. Dave, 8
.
CONFIDENTIAL OPINIONS ABOUT LOVE
I'm in favor of love as long as it doesn't happen when 'The Simpsons' is on television. - Anita, 6
Love will find you, even if you are trying to hide from it. I have been trying to hide from it since I was five, but the girls keep finding me. - Bobby, 8
I'm not rushing into being in love. I'm finding fourth grade hard enough. - Regina, 10
.
THE PERSONAL QUALITIES NECESSARY TO BE A GOOD LOVER
One of you should know how to write a check. Because, even if you have tons of love, there is still going to be a lot of bills. - Ava, 8
.
SOME SUREFIRE WAYS TO MAKE A PERSON FALL IN LOVE WITH YOU
Tell them that you own a whole bunch of candy stores. - Del, 6
Don't do things like have smelly, green sneakers. You might get attention, but attention ain't the same thing as love. - Alonzo, 9
One way is to take the girl out to eat. Make sure it's something she likes to eat. French fries usually works for me. - Bart, 9
.
HOW CAN YOU TELL IF TWO ADULTS EATING DINNER AT A RESTAURANT ARE IN LOVE?
Just see if the man picks up the check. That's how you can tell if he's in love. - John, 9
Lovers will just be staring at each other and their food will get cold. Other people care more about the food. - Brad, 8
It's love if they order one of those desserts that are on fire. They like to order those because it's just like how their hearts are on fire.- Christine, 9
.
WHAT MOST PEOPLE ARE THINKING WHEN THEY SAY "I LOVE YOU"
The person is thinking: Yeah, I really do love him. But I hope he showers at least once a day. Michelle, 9
.
HOW A PERSON LEARNS TO KISS
You learn it right on the spot when the gooshy feelings get the best of you. - Doug, 7
It might help to watch soap operas all day. - Carin, 9
.
WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
It's never okay to kiss a boy. They always slobber all over you. That's why I stopped doing it. Jean, 10
.
HOW TO MAKE LOVE ENDURE
Spend most of your time loving instead of going to work. - Tom, 7
Be a good kisser. It might make your wife forget that you never take out the trash. - Randy, 8.
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Wisdom
-- of kids aged 4 to 15
My young brother asked me what happens after we die. I told him we get buried under a bunch of dirt and worms eat our bodies. I guess I should have told him the truth--that most of us go to Hell and burn eternally--but I didn't want to upset him. Age 10
When I go to heaven, I want to see my grandpa again. But he better have lost the nose hair and the old-man smell. Age 5
I don't know about you, but I enjoy watching paint dry. I imagine that the wet paint is a big freshwater lake that is the only source of water for some tiny cities by the lake. As the lake gets drier, the population gets more desperate, and sometimes there are water riots. Once there was a big fire and everyone died. Age 13
It sure would be nice if we got a day off for the president's birthday, like they do for the queen. Of course, then we would have a lot of people voting for a candidate born on July 3 or December 26, just for the long weekends. Age 8
As you make your way through this hectic world of ours, set aside a few minutes each day. At the end of the year, you'll have a couple of days saved up. Age 7
Democracy is a beautiful thing, except for that part about letting just any old yokel vote. Age 10
Home is where the house is. Age 6
Often, when I am reading a good book, I stop and thank my teacher. That is, I used to, until she got an unlisted number. Age 15
It would be terrible if the Red Cross Bloodmobile got into an accident. No, wait. That would be good because if anyone needed it, the blood would be right there. Age 5
I bet living in a nudist colony takes all the fun out of Halloween. Age 13
For centuries, people thought the moon was made of green cheese. Then the astronauts found that the moon is really a big hard rock. That's what happens to cheese when you leave it out. Age 6
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Weird Science
-- collected from test papers, essays, etc., submitted to science and health teachers by elementary, junior high, high school, and college students.
"Nitrogen is not found in Ireland because it is not found in a free state."
"H2O is hot water, and CO2 is cold water."
"When you smell an odorless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide."
"Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water."
"Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes and caterpillars."
"Blood flows down one leg and up the other."
"Respiration is composed of two acts, first inspiration, and then expectoration."
"The moon is a planet just like the earth, only it is even deader."
"Artificial insemination is when the farmer does it to the cow instead of the bull."
"Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire."
"A super saturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold."
"Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas."
"The tides are a fight between the Earth and moon. All water tends towards the moon, because there is no water in the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight."
"A fossil is an extinct animal. The older it is, the more extinct it is."
"Germinate: To become a naturalized German."
"Magnet: Something you find crawling all over a dead cat."
"Planet: A body of Earth surrounded by sky."
"Rhubarb: A kind of celery gone bloodshot."
"Vacuum: A large, empty space where the pope lives."
"To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose."
"For a nosebleed: Put the nose much lower then the body until the heart stops."
"To keep milk from turning sour: Keep it in the cow."
"For fainting: Rub the person's chest, or, if a lady, rub her arm above the hand instead. Or put the head between the knees of the nearest medical doctor."
"To prevent contraception, use a condominium."
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Yummy Recipes
-- from kids kindergarten through 2nd grade
Cake: Mix flour, sugar, vanilla, baking powder, baking soda, eggs, milk, butter, and a cake mix.
Turkey: You cut the turkey up and put it in the oven for 10 minutes and 300 degrees. You put gravy on it and eat it.
Turkey: You buy the turkey and take the paper off. Then you put it in the refrigerator and take it back out and cut it with a knife and make sure all the wires are out and take out the neck and heart. Then you put it in a big pan and cook it for half an hour at 80 degrees. Then you invite people over and eat.
Pizza: Buy some dough, some cheese and pepperoni. Then you cook it for 10 hours at 5 degrees. Then you eat it.
Applesauce: Go to the store and buy some apples, and then you squish them up. Then you put them in a jar that says, "Applesauce." Then you eat it.
Turkey: You cut it into 16 pieces and you leave it in the oven for 15 minutes and 4 degrees. You take it out and let it cool and then after 5 minutes, then you eat it.
Turkey: You put some salt on it to make it taste good. Then you put it in the oven. Then you cook it for an hour at 5 degrees. Then you eat it.
Chicken: You put it in the oven for 25 minutes and 25 degrees and put gravy on it and eat it.
Cookies: Buy some dough and smash it and cut them out. Then put them in the oven for 2 hours at 100 degrees. Then take them out and dry them off. Then it's time to eat them.
Turkey: Put it on a plate and put it in the oven with gravy. You cook it for 1 minute and for 100 degrees. Then it's all cooked. Your mom or dad cuts it and then eat.
Turkey: First you have to cut it up and put it on a plate in the oven for 9 minutes and 18 degrees. Then you dig it out of the oven and eat it.
Turkey: First you add some salt. Then you put it in a bowl. Then you put brown sugar on it. Then you mix it all together with a spoon and then you add some milk and mix it again. And then you put it in a pan. Then you put it in the oven for 15 minutes and 16 degrees. Then you take it out of the oven and then you eat it.
Turkey: First you shoot it and then you cut it. And then you put it in the oven and cook it for 10 minutes and 20 degrees. You put it on plates and then you eat it.
Chicken Pie: Put the chicken in the pot and put the salad and cheese and mustard and then you mix it all together. Then put chicken sauce and stir it all around again. Then you cook it for 5 minutes at 9 degrees. Then you eat it.
Pumpkin Pie: First you buy a pumpkin and smash it. Then it is all done. And you cook it in the oven for 12 minutes and 4 degrees. Then you eat it.
Chicken: Put it in the oven. Then cut it up. Then I eat it.
Pumpkin Pie: First you put pumpkin seeds in it. Put it in a pan and bake it at 5 degrees for 6 minutes. Then take it out and eat it.
White and Brown Pudding: First you read the wrapper. Get a piece of water. Stir. Then you eat it.
Turkey: First you find a turkey and kill it. Cut it open. Put it in a pan. Pour milk in the pan. Put a little chicken with it. Put salsa on it. Take out of pan. Put it on the board. Cut into little pieces. Put on a rack. Put in the oven for 7 minutes at 10 degrees. Take out of the oven and put teensy weensy bit of sugar on it. Put a little more salsa on it. Then you eat it.
Putting (pudding): You get some putting mix and some water and you have putting
Pumpkin Pie: Get a pumpkin. Cook it. Eat it.
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